For Women Only - #43

I recently finished "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldman. She was a guest speaker at our church several years ago and I have heard a lot about the book but finally picked it up to read for myself. While the book is geared towards married women, I think any woman can gain insight into the male mind by reading this book. Here are a few key themes from the book that I think are important to know:

1. Men want their women to make an effort to look good (ie don't just wear sweats and not put on make-up around the house, the effort is the important part)
2. Men want to appear in control but often they are insecure so don't feed their insecurity instead support and love them
3. Sex is emotional for men just like romance is emotional for us
4. Men want to provide for their woman and family
5. Men are visual and visuals pop up all the time throughout the day for them

The book it packed with research and explains all of these ideas better than I can but it is enlighting to think about. It may change how you approach a date or a relatioship, I know it will make me think twice about how my actions may appear to my male companion versus how I think he interprets them.

Boyfriend without Benefits - #42

So I have entered a new realm of dating. We all know about "friends with benefits" but I think I am now in a relationship that is best described as "boyfriend without benefits". I feel like we are dating, we talk and share deep thoughts that you would with a boyfriend and we go out to dinner and watch movies like you might on a date but that is where it ends. There is a lot of gray to this situation - feelings can get hurt if someone reads the situation differently that the other person.

Sometimes I think I like the gray. When it is gray, if it goes one way you can think "oh, yeah I thought we were just friends and I didn't get hurt" or if it goes the other way you think "oh, yeah, we have been dating this whole time and we are into each other". But when there is gray, there are no rules and I am not sure relationships do well without a framework or a basis for what you are. I don't think boyfriend without benefits is any better than a friend with benefits - too much gray!

Does History Repeat Itself - #40

I was writing Christmas cards (guess that gives the time of this blog away) and I was addressing one to a good friend from college. This particular friend is a guy and he is now happily married with a beautiful daughter. During college, this friend and I were just that good friends. We did a lot together but each dated someone else. We met my first semester in college and stayed friends until the end. There was however one bump in the road - it came our 4th year in school. By this point, most everyone thought we were more than friends but we were just friends. Until one evening when I took him as a date to a sorority function and it was clear that there was interest. I wish it was happily ever after but it was more like happily ever 1 week before I met Mr I-thought-at-the-time-you-were-perfect and we seriously dated for the next few years. And not long after he met his Mrs Right and later married her. Did dating change our relationship - absolutely. Was I invited to the wedding - yes. Have we stayed friends - Let's be honeset, the wife hates me.

So as I write his Christmas card, I think back on my dating life and again think how many male friends I have had in my life. I am like a male friend magnet but never seem to get past the friends stage. In some cases that is ok, in some cases he had interest and I didn't, some cases I had interest and he didn't and other times, it was a timing thing. I have always been comfortable with male friends, I just hate losing them all when they get married. Male friends are less maintenance than female friends. They aren't competitive, they are laid back and put less pressure on (I am not dissing my girl friends - they are awesome and wouldn't trade them for anything but guys tend to be easier).

As someone wise once said, it doesn't work out until it does. So I will keep waiting for that one that will work out.

Girls like Leaders - #39

I was having dinner recently with 2 girl friends and like all great conversation between women, we eventually talk about men. The question of what characteristcs we want in a man arises. I start off with a superficial things that draw me to a guy but we quickly get to the more importan traits.

1. A Godly man
2. A man who is a leader

I will stop there for now. I think this is an important one (#1 is definitely important but I think required less discussion so I will give my thoughtso n #2). We women don't want a boss of us, someone telling us what to do or being domineering. But we do want a man who is a leader and who takes action when he needs to and sits on the sides when he needs to. We want someone who is ok making decisions and giving us guidance but also ok to step aside when it is our time to shine. These are traits of a good leader. I think we are all attracted to the leader in the crowd, people look up to the leader, they want to be the leader, and the leader is surrounded by people.