For Women Only - #43

I recently finished "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldman. She was a guest speaker at our church several years ago and I have heard a lot about the book but finally picked it up to read for myself. While the book is geared towards married women, I think any woman can gain insight into the male mind by reading this book. Here are a few key themes from the book that I think are important to know:

1. Men want their women to make an effort to look good (ie don't just wear sweats and not put on make-up around the house, the effort is the important part)
2. Men want to appear in control but often they are insecure so don't feed their insecurity instead support and love them
3. Sex is emotional for men just like romance is emotional for us
4. Men want to provide for their woman and family
5. Men are visual and visuals pop up all the time throughout the day for them

The book it packed with research and explains all of these ideas better than I can but it is enlighting to think about. It may change how you approach a date or a relatioship, I know it will make me think twice about how my actions may appear to my male companion versus how I think he interprets them.

Boyfriend without Benefits - #42

So I have entered a new realm of dating. We all know about "friends with benefits" but I think I am now in a relationship that is best described as "boyfriend without benefits". I feel like we are dating, we talk and share deep thoughts that you would with a boyfriend and we go out to dinner and watch movies like you might on a date but that is where it ends. There is a lot of gray to this situation - feelings can get hurt if someone reads the situation differently that the other person.

Sometimes I think I like the gray. When it is gray, if it goes one way you can think "oh, yeah I thought we were just friends and I didn't get hurt" or if it goes the other way you think "oh, yeah, we have been dating this whole time and we are into each other". But when there is gray, there are no rules and I am not sure relationships do well without a framework or a basis for what you are. I don't think boyfriend without benefits is any better than a friend with benefits - too much gray!

Does History Repeat Itself - #40

I was writing Christmas cards (guess that gives the time of this blog away) and I was addressing one to a good friend from college. This particular friend is a guy and he is now happily married with a beautiful daughter. During college, this friend and I were just that good friends. We did a lot together but each dated someone else. We met my first semester in college and stayed friends until the end. There was however one bump in the road - it came our 4th year in school. By this point, most everyone thought we were more than friends but we were just friends. Until one evening when I took him as a date to a sorority function and it was clear that there was interest. I wish it was happily ever after but it was more like happily ever 1 week before I met Mr I-thought-at-the-time-you-were-perfect and we seriously dated for the next few years. And not long after he met his Mrs Right and later married her. Did dating change our relationship - absolutely. Was I invited to the wedding - yes. Have we stayed friends - Let's be honeset, the wife hates me.

So as I write his Christmas card, I think back on my dating life and again think how many male friends I have had in my life. I am like a male friend magnet but never seem to get past the friends stage. In some cases that is ok, in some cases he had interest and I didn't, some cases I had interest and he didn't and other times, it was a timing thing. I have always been comfortable with male friends, I just hate losing them all when they get married. Male friends are less maintenance than female friends. They aren't competitive, they are laid back and put less pressure on (I am not dissing my girl friends - they are awesome and wouldn't trade them for anything but guys tend to be easier).

As someone wise once said, it doesn't work out until it does. So I will keep waiting for that one that will work out.

Girls like Leaders - #39

I was having dinner recently with 2 girl friends and like all great conversation between women, we eventually talk about men. The question of what characteristcs we want in a man arises. I start off with a superficial things that draw me to a guy but we quickly get to the more importan traits.

1. A Godly man
2. A man who is a leader

I will stop there for now. I think this is an important one (#1 is definitely important but I think required less discussion so I will give my thoughtso n #2). We women don't want a boss of us, someone telling us what to do or being domineering. But we do want a man who is a leader and who takes action when he needs to and sits on the sides when he needs to. We want someone who is ok making decisions and giving us guidance but also ok to step aside when it is our time to shine. These are traits of a good leader. I think we are all attracted to the leader in the crowd, people look up to the leader, they want to be the leader, and the leader is surrounded by people.

Granny's Dating Theory - #38

Recently, my grandmother was asking me about my dating life. She knew I had gone out with a few people and wanted to know the status. So I shared with her that I had ended it with one guy and that another guy had ended it with me and that currently I am not dating anyone. My grandmother turns to me and says:

"Don't you know that dating is like getting a job. You can't quit the first one without having another one lined up."

Go Granny!

Example 1,342,532 of Why Girls and Guys Can't Be Friends - #37

So again my theory of guys and girls being friends is blown. Sure I think after some awkwardness and you work through feelings and time passess yadayadayada, you can be friends. But that doesn't gurantee that the issues of the heart won't resurface at some point.

So I really have 2 latest examples. Example 1, I am friends with a guy and we spend a lot of time together eventually one begins to wonder and then there you are up late at night talking and now the balance of the group is thrown off. All the folks in the group just aren't friends and jealousy begins to rear its ugly head. But hey, "you are just friends". And on top of that everyone wants to know - what is up with you and so-and-so, and my answer is that I don't know and I am thinking, I do not want everyone in my business. So the ugly cycle begins again.

Example 2, you are friends, you date your friend, and then you can't be friends. Sure you say you want to be friends. You say hi and go through the motions and you run into each other and try not to be awkward. But if you were friends, at least friends like you use to be, then there would be a lote more to say between you and you wouldn't avoid each other like the plague in a group of 10 people where you each stand on opposite sides of the crowd. And you definitely wouldn't say "You look nice" - why would you say that because that is not a friend-like comment. So, after sometime, we can be friends but not today and not right now. See you in the future.

Enemies Close - #36

Other girls are competition - bottom line. It doesn't matter if you have been friends for awhile or new friends, you cannot share a guy and you cannot both pursue the same guy at at the same time. It doesn't work - it is a competition and then girls get all sly and they act as if they are your friend but really they are doing a recon mission on your time with the guy or they want to drop hints about their interaction with the guy. So keep your friend close but your competition even closer. At least that is what I have witnessed happened. Do you want to be my friend or do you just want to know how my relationship is progressing? Interesting to ponder.

Pseudo Boyfriend - #35

The other day I was talking to my guy friend about how I have a few events coming up that would be ideal to take a date too. He offered to be my "pseudo-boyfriend". He did say that I might miss out on Mr Right if I take him to things but he would be glad to fill in. Pseudo-boyfriend - interesting concept. It is definitely great to bring someone to things and have someone "with" you versus being the 3rd wheel or odd man out. But if you are my "pseudo-boyfriend", at one point will one or both of us look at each other and think differently? What are the lines of a pseudo-boyfriend? They are bound to be crossed if you are playing the role of a boyfriend, don't you think?

What Kind of Eggs Do You Like - #34

From Runaway Bride....

Look, I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart, you're the only one for me.

I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.
Ike Graham: Should I be writing this down?

I love these 2 scenes and quotes. Relationships are tough and there are times you are going to want to quit but I think the key is to find the person that you want to work it out with - you will be mad at them, they will hurt you at some point but without them you would feel lost and they will bring you more joy than bad times. I also think it is important to know yourself so that you don't become the relationship. It is important to know where you end and the other person begins, it is important to have your own interests and joint interests and to learn the other persons interest but not get so lost in them that you don't know yourself. I love this quote! What kind of eggs do you like?

Flirting or Just Another Girl - #33

As I was preparing to publish this post, I realized that I had written a Title with no commentary. I sometimes do this to keep ideas fresh but then I usually write them within a day or 2 and not weeks later. So I will attempto to capture whatever thought I had at the time...

How do you know when you are flirting or just another girl? I think you can probably figure it out more easily with a stranger than with people that you know or are friends with. So I ask myself - am I the buddy, the friend, or is there more?

Where's the Romance - #32

I ask "Where is the Romance?" and "Is Romance dead?". When was the last time I had a date that showed up with flowers or a nice card tucked into the seat of my car? It was probably 10 years ago when I was dating a guy in college. Although I do remember one first date that showed up with a mixed CD for me and a rose. Nice...no, creepy. My guy friend and I were discussing this the other day and he said "Do you really want flowers" and I said "no". What I want is a guy to do something for me that he knows I will like. That shows 1 - That he knows me and 2 - That he is thinking of me. Recently I received a flask and a bottle of liquor from a guy friend - romantic no but he knew I wanted one and he must have been thinking of me. This was also from a guy friend (whether or not he wants it to be more is in question) but never-the-less, I just want to be friends and his act of kindness shows me that romance isn't dead and if he is doing it then a guy that I am dating can certainly do it. So bring on the flasks and liquor! JK

Also, another way to show you care is to go out of your way for a person. This can be done by picking them up or taking them to the airport. Making time for them in your busy life, etc. So there are more ways to show your love than flowers and chocolate.

How Can We Be Lovers... - #31

...If we can't be friends. This doesn't exactly go with my topic, it is more like "how can we be friends, if we can't date" or "how can you expect to be friends, when you can't work things out". So this is my first attempt in a long time to be friends with the guy I dated. I am friends with lots of guys that I have dated but most of them I dated a long time ago and now we are friends and we only went out a few times and I was probably the one that wasn't into them and therefore not as upset about it ending.

Anyway, I am trying to be friends with someone I dated and it is hard because we recently dated - as in 2 weeks ago we stopped dating. And he wants to be friends. I want to be friends too but I think we gave up on the whole dating thing a little too early. I felt like I (and he) had been out of the dating game for awhile so when we talked about the problem instead of just saying we are done, I wanted to figure out how to make it work. But instead, we are friends and I am seeing how that goes.

Honestly I am a mad at him for giving up in my opinion. Sure the result may be the same in another month or another 6 months so you can argue that it is better just to call it now and try to keep the friendship. But, in any relationahip you have to work at it. You have to work to be friends, you have to work to date. When something doesn't work, you try again.

And of course I feel like I am the one the blame and think "what could I have done differently". Maybe I shouldn't have held back as much as I did and maybe I should have given more and not let my job make me Miss Debbie Downer. I think "what happened to the person/people we were when it began". Those 2 people got along, those 2 people wanted to be together. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

So now I am trying to be the friend but a little part of me can't help but get excited when we talk and when we email. So maybe time does need to pass before we can be friends. I don't know what will happen - stay tuned.

NOTE - I realized after writing this that it is almost identical in ideas to my #23 post. Interestingly the 2 posts are about 2 different people about 3-4 months apart. The first situation, I think I knew we wouldn't be friends it was just going through the motions to say that we would. The 2nd one, we have have more invested and I think we may really try to be friends. Thought it was funny to see this come back again.

NOTE 2 - I am reading this now after 2 months of the post sitting in my queue to post and think "my how my opinions change with time". Are we friends now...well, sort of. Do I wish we were dating and had worked at it...well, no. Time bring perspective to a situation and helps you see things that may have been blurry when you were in the midst of the situation.

More Shots on Goal - Dating Commentary #30

One of my good friends (and cheerleader) tells me all the time that dating is all about the number of shots on goal and if one shot misses, you are just one shot closer to the goal. I like this theory and think that it is true. You learn more about yourself and the person that will compliment you and complete you when you date. I definitely know the traits of a person that I would like to spend my life with but also know that no one is perfect and no one will meet all of these.

She also reminded me that I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me. You can't make someone love you or make them do all the things that make you feel appreciated (ie bringing you your favorite drink, buying you a shirt, leaving you a nice note, sending you a random text during the day, complimenting your hair/shirt, etc).

Another friend mentioned that deep down you know when something is right and when it is wrong - whether or not you want to admit it. Everything can line up perfectly but the x factor can be missing and no matter how hard you try to make it work or no matter how much you want it to work, if you are honest then you know you are better off not together and that someone else will compliment you better.

Tough lessons but important ones when you are on the search for a life partner.

Art of Communication - Dating Commentary #29

Although the posts have been regular, there has been quite a lull between when I wrote my last post and today. Communication has been a key theme in my life lately - at work and in dating. Communication breakdowns or different methods of communicating, can cause a lot of problems. In a dating relationship, it may not matter that everything like family, religious beliefs, long term goals, etc line up if communication is failing. In fact, folks with the same way of communicating may not line up always instead I think the 2 people need to have complimentary forms of communicating. Body language, actions, and words all make up communication and it is key to do this right in dating.

When folks say that they aren't fighting in a relationship, I usually think that means that they aren't communicating. It is good to argue, get your point out, talk about your feelings. Just because you are dating, it doesn't mean that you should see eye to eye on everything. In fact, I wouldn't want to see eye to eye on everything. I would like to have lively conversations and different interests so I can expand my world beyond just me.

So, lesson learned...be a good communicator even if in the end it hurts. At least you tried and you learned something from the experience.

How soon is too soon? - Dating Commentary #28

So now that I have mastered going out on a date...let me start again - Now that I have gone out on a few dates...I am now trying to figure out how soon is too soon. How do you start integrating your lives together. When do you invite someone to sporting events with your friends, when do you start expecting to see them more than once on the weekend, when do you know the plans they have for the weekend? It is a frustrating and maybe a little fun time. I guess it is the getting to know you phase.

I think this is part of the DTR conversation but I am not willing to bring it up. As my sister says "You are so the guy in the relationship because you don't want to committ and you are slow to call people back." Ok, so I am not the typical girl who wants to be quick to say we are "boyfriend/girlfriend", I mean a girl needs to keep her options open. But at the same time, I would like a little more consistency (aka planning) to what is going on. I do want to be included on things and want to be more than a buddy or pal that you see once a week. So, what do you do? I guess I should follow my own advice and "Say what you need to say" and have that DTR but I don't want to rock the waters, we shall see what happens...to be continued:)

M's Theory - Dating Commentary #27

Another day, another conversation about dating. Another friend of mine recently gave me her theory on dating. Her theory is that some people are good serial daters while others will never be serial daters due to the make up our brain. What she means by that is this - If I a serial dater then out of a 100 people, I can find 50 or so people I would date so my odds of finding someone I would go out with is 50%. For others, their brain only causes them to find 3 people out of 100 as possible dates. So if those 2 people look at 100 people, the serial daters chance of finding someone is 50% whereas the other is only 3%. This has nothing to do with being picky, just want these different brain make-ups find interesting or attractive to date.

I like the theory - I think I am somewhere in the 5% range. Just don't see a lot of people I would date.

Where's Waldo - Dating Commentary #26

I went out on a date - and it was indeed a date. I had a fun time, great conversation, and figured we would go out at the end of the night. At the end of the date, he said "let me know that you got home safely" so I text him and said I had a good time and he replied with something similar. I figured we would go out again based on this. The following week, we exchanged texts and we mentioned seeing each other at a mutual friend's event. I go to the event and he never shows and I haven't heard from him since. So after acting like he was interested there has been silence. Why would you say you have fun and want to do it again, initiate a text conversation, talk about seeing me, and then silence. So I ask "Where's Waldo?".

Swing Dancing - Dating Commentary #25

From a friend who is a regular reader of my blog:)

My guess is you would be a fan of partner dance terminology...I ask good follows, for example, to describe a good lead so I can improve. All of them say "He's always very deliberate. I know exactly what he wants, and there's no ambiguity." Sounds a bit like some of your recent thoughts.

For those non-dancers out there a "lead" is usually a guy because he is leading the dance and the girl is using the "follow" because she is following the lead and not directing the dance.

Butterflies - Dating Commentary #24

I am looking for those butterflies. I think they define the X factor in the relationship, the chemistry. I know when I get them because my stomach starts to hurt, my heart begins to beat faster, and I think I may get flushed. I use to think that you had to feel those butterflies immediately because that it how it was with my first love. But I have learned that butterflies can develop. For instance, I didn't even give a recent interest a second look when I first met him. But after being friends for awhile and hanging out in social situations and then after a few frates and then a few dates, I got the butterflies. I got nervous when I called him. So the butterflies were starting when we put the brakes on the whole thing. But you do have to be careful to make sure the butterflies are true and not just the chase factor which it may have been in this case. Also, an old flame can generate those butterflies but I think that is probably due the stress they caused in your life at some point:)

So I am looking for those butterflies. Will they come right away and be instant "love or first sight" or will one day I look at a friend or a guy I have been dating and my heart will skip a beat?

Psychology of Facebook

Facebook has been a topic of many of my conversations lately and also something I spent too much time on so I thought I would pause my dating commentary to talk about the Psychology of Facebook. I am fascinated with social networking so this is an interesting topic to me.

First, Facebook breeds stalking. This takes several forms - first is the "friend stalking". You track your friends, their status, their pictures, what they are doing. You don't even have to have a conversation with your friends you can just ask "How was NY" even though the only reason you know they went to NY was because of their status update. Weird, huh?

There is also "I-want-to-be-your-friend stalking". These are the people that you may have met and one of you friended the other on Facebook. You want to get to know these people better so you track what they are doing from afar. They don't know you check their page and that you know what they are up to. This is also known as "creepy stalking".

There is "tantalizing stalking". This is when you post something on purpose in hopes that someone will see the picture, your status, your comment, etc. You want people to know what a great weekend you had or the cool thing that you did or you want people to see how good you looked last weekend. You aren’t just posting things so your friends know what you are up to - you are posting in hopes that a specific friend will check out what you are up to.

There is also "stalking your stalker". This is when you install a program that tracks who visits your page. For instance, you can load StatCounter on your page and it will show all the IPs and their locations across the globe that have visited your page. So you are seeing who is checking out your page.

Seems like society today is breeding stalkers and Facebook is encouraging it. You have to stalk or be stalked...welcome to social networking.